Saturday, June 1, 2019

Honesty.

I'm going to be completely and utterly honest right now, I hate the way I look at the moment. Absolutely hate it. I feel disgusted at myself whenever I see my reflection and feel so uncomfortable whenever my clothes aren't lose and baggy. I hate it. I hate my stomach, my arms, my legs, my back, my face and so, so much more. I feel trapped in my own skin.

Which is why I'm determined to change.

I look back at photos of myself and wish for the body I once had, I look at the dresses in my wardrobe and know too well that they won't fit. But, they once did -and I once had the body I now so desperately crave. I can do it because I've done it before. I just need determination and commitment.

I find it so difficult at Uni as the ease of buying a takeaway or a ready meal is just so tempting. It's so easy to do nothing and spend a day where I don't do any kind of exercise or even movement. It's so easy to be lazy, and I'm already a very lazy person. I know what I should be doing, and what I should be eating, but the temptation is always too much and then I feel so guilty and disappointed in myself. It would be fine if I had control, for instance only having one chocolate in work instead of losing count, but I just can't seem to stop. I need a personal hand-slapper that just gives me a whack whenever my hand goes wandering to sweet treats.

I've tried to help myself in the past, joining Slimming World and sticking religiously to plan. But it just got too much -I wasn't going out with friends as I was so scared to go over my syn value and would just skip group if I felt I hadn't lost enough (therefore racking up a bill). I wouldn't eat the day of weigh-in, and then I'd just binge as much food as I could stomach after I'd been weighed as I was so so hungry. Slimming World worked for a while, but then as my losses started to become less and less as my body got used to the plan, I became more and more discouraged and disheartened. I eventually gave up, joined again, gave up, joined again and then gave up!

I had problems with eating when I was younger, throwing away my school lunches and just making the appropriate sounds at breakfast so my Mum thought I was making a bowl of cereal. I woke up every morning super early so I could do a workout before school, and then I'd just drink lemon water all day until dinner (which was the only meal I couldn't get out of). I know I wasn't healthy then, and I know I was underweight for my height -but that was the only time in my life where people commented on my weight, saying I looked slim and nice in clothes. I look back at that time and want to shake myself and just shout eat, but then I look at myself now and just want to shout stop.

It's so difficult and I feel so under pressure right now as I go abroad in 5 weeks, and I know that it'll be too hot to wear lots of clothes. It was when I went to Spain last year that I decided to join Slimming World as I hated all the photos that were taken of me. One year later and I'm exactly the same weight and still super unhappy. I know that I can't go on holiday looking the way I am, as I'll just get so upset and won't enjoy being away. I know I need to do something and fast.

I have a plan, and fingers crossed it works. 

In the past, I've been able to lose over a Stone in 4 weeks when sticking to the Slimming World plan, therefore I know it works for my body. However, this time I'm not going to join a group which means I'll miss out the pressures which I've had previously. I also know that if I have a fun way to exercise then I'll do more of it, bring on sassy YouTube dance videos such as Fitness Army. 
The main things that break my weight loss are takeaways and sugar -therefore no more ordering out, and telling my boyfriend to stop me if I get close, and also being super careful at work not to nibble on chocolates and telling the girls to stop me if I do! Combine all that with copious cups of green tea, reaching at least 10,000 steps a day and also doing various 30-day fitness challenges, this should hopefully work.

I know that no matter how much I do, I'm not going to be happy with the way I look this year on holiday, but I'll kick myself if I don't at least try.

Sorry for the rambling offload, just needed to get it all out.
If anyone has any tips or tricks that would help me in any way, please comment them down below.
Thank you for reading,

Hollie xx


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